relationships

Dating made easy from the mind of a dreamer…

Posted on by billjohnson2014

I recall the vivid early memories that come to mind about the opposite sex. The stories jump out of my mind in the way like the rhythm of Morgan Freeman’s voice in The Shawshank Redemption or the strength in James Earl Jones voice in The Lion King. I think to myself it all flowed so smooth like Dennis Haysbert who voices the Allstate commercials.

It’s funny because I was talking with a female friend about that “like” that you had for someone as a child. You where maybe 8, 9, or 10 and there was this boy or girl in your class that you just “liked”. It may have been there eyes, hair, shoes, lunch snacks or just the way they said your name. She said he Keerrrrrry (Kerry) as she whistled by blushing. Things are much simpler for children because that “like” is enough for them. Children can go along liking him/her until the day a new kid joins class and that’s it the “like” is gone like it never was there. There was never an awkward date, awesome one night stand or a tumultuous break-up…just a “I’m sharing my snack with Ashley not Brittney today”.

I recently had a moment that harkens back to childhood  as I found a woman interesting without actually knowing much about her. The little I knew about her were all the qualities that I loved so in my mind I built her into near perfection. As I smile big you could say “I liked her” in the way that I liked Candace who I shared my sunflower seeds with in 2nd grade. The thing with being an adult the “newness” of such feelings are usually long gone if we can even recognize such feelings. Also, as adults waking up one day and finding another “like” is not the answer. We have to explore and or have the answer to everything. If we don’t have an answer we make up a “NO” in our mind as to why “it” wouldn’t have worked anyway.

A large part of me wanted to hold on to the feelings even if they were built on a fallacy. You see people deep down want to believe in something. In the way the partners in the strained marriage want to believe “this time will be different”. People ask sometimes how in the world scam artist get rich off the most ascinine schemes. Along the same vein people act surprised when politicians and clergy are caught in a scandal when the writing was always on the wall. The more whimsical, dramatic and or theatrical the entity makes it all the easier for the believer to get sucked into.

In the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene he speaks of the power of information and deception in several chapters. He speaks about the ability of people using slight of hand to create larger than life personas. With the lack of information a person’s good qualities are accentuated and without any bad qualities known they appear almost mythical. A part of me was torn on what to do. Maybe torn was a strong word. I was rather content on keeping the “like” that I had for this woman even if it was fictional. If I became involved with this woman inevitably I would see all of her flaws and the fictional “like would be replaced. Replaced by what you ask? It would have been replaced by something “real” which good or bad would not be as whimsical as the ideas made up in my head.

Amber, the rose that tried to grow from concrete……

Posted on by billjohnson2014

“Getting engaged is like getting…it’s the first hurdle of the roller-coaster and you hear the click.. those loud sounds. This really violent metal chunk o-chunk o-chunking…. (You’re asking yourself) what’s going on here, you know. Boy this thing really goes high (in reference to the roller-coaster) and then you go over the top. The wedding is at the top…you go over the top that’s the wedding and then you’re just screaming”.

“Marriage is like any growth you can’t be ready for it because its growth it’s going to be new. You’re going to have a new life; you’re going to be a new person”. – Jerry Seinfeld

Am I the only one that receives wedding invitations having no idea the two parties were even dating? I ask myself “Kerry where have you been”. To my credit I’m not one for competing or much less keeping an eye on the Jones’s. On a larger scale I am that friend that has no idea what Kylie Jenner wore to the Grammy’s or who Drake is dating. I’m getting off topic. I don’t spend a lot of time on social media but, when I’m on there I am surprised by what I see. What am I seeing? I see a lot of proposals, bridal showers and weddings.

I’m sure there are many reasons to why those things jump out to me. The first I would say centers on age. I’m going strictly off perception but, I would guess individuals 18-28 get married more than any other age group. I would say the second reason surrounds my use of social media. For people like me that limit their social media use we have to realize the world never stops. If you don’t track someone for a year or two you will surely be surprised with the happenings in his/her life. The last surrounds my personal association with weddings. I have been a groomsman in two weddings in the last 18 months and have seen my sister, brother and father married in that span.

To say the least I was very intrigued as to what the numbers showed in relation to couples getting married in my age range. Is the percentage higher now than in years past? Is the number lower? How are those numbers reflected in the divorce rate? Lastly where does my ethnicity factor into the equation?

Have you ever performed research on marriage? The first information that jumps out at you and repeats in various publications is the rise in median marital age. The average age for women is 25.8 and 28.3 for men. The age group that has suffered the greatest decline in marriages is you guessed it 18-28. 20 % of individuals in that age range are married compared to 60% of that same age group 40 years ago according to the 2010 Census. According to the CDC the decline is related to an increase in cohabitation and single parenthood.

The Pew Research Center goes against the grain as it advises that public perception is mixed on the institution of marriage. Meaning as a nation we do not value the institution as in years past so thus the decline. The aforementioned premise was not supported in the various studies I observed but, I actually believe that the study does have some merit. The majority of the studies concluded that minorities who as we have learned marry less than whites still value the institution of marriage. The previous statement is not actually supported when it comes time to say “I do”. As of 2010 55% of black adults had ever been married compared with 64% of Hispanics and 76% of Whites.  According to the Census currently 45% of African American households contain a married couple. Blacks are significantly more likely than any other race to never marry, cohabit and bear children out of wedlock according to the Census. The national illegitimacy rate (children born out of wedlock) is 33% but, for blacks that number is more like 70%. Educational attainment or lack thereof supports the aforementioned premise more than most give credence.

A study called “Women’s Education and Their Likelihood of Marriage” performed by professor Paula England expounded on the previous topic. The study found that 75% of college educated women are married, compared to 70% of those who attend some college and 60% with only high school education. According to (blg.com) college graduates are 20% to 30% less likely to divorce than non-graduates which is a good segue to divorce rates. Men 20 to 24 divorce at a rate of 38.8% percent which is higher than any other age range. Women share the same age ranges but, there clip is 36.6%. The website divorcesaloon.com has the divorce rate for blacks currently at 70%.

Looking over all the facts and figures from the CDC, Census and countless studies I was not satisfied. I settled myself as the disintegration of the black family started long ago and as blacks we perpetuate that cycle in various ways. I did find solace in information received on discoverthenetworks.org that gave me hope. Black two parent families where both parties work full time have a mere 2% poverty rate which leads me to my conclusion. We have to breakdown why blacks want to get married but, don’t and also why we divorce higher than any other race. I’m not sure how to correct the problem but, I know it first starts with ME. I went to college and I’m waiting to get married. I need to choose a partner that helps support our family spiritually and financially as we shape and nurture our child(s) views. I didn’t see any marriages up close as a kid and to think my son could see 4/5 just with his dad, aunts, uncle and grandfather. I think that’s a step in the right direction.

I feel like I’m a planet and the other woman are kind of moving through this solar system with me. And marriage is like you decide to jump off of your planet and cross to another planet. But you can only do it when one planet passes real close and you look and say “hey I think I can jump across”.

– Jerry Seinfeld

Poetic Justice

Posted on by billjohnson2014

Have you ever had the feeling in your head that you were so close to dating but, in actuality you were a million miles away? It kind of reminds me of Superman rescuing Lois Lane just when it appeared that injury or death was a near certainty. As a kid you would really believe that Lois Lane was going to be hurt. In the same way you believed that the bad guy would have gotten away if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their dog.  Is this a paradox?

In thinking about what I know about relationships I was reminded of this non-traditional love story called Love Jones. The movie starring Nia Long (Nina) and Larenz Tate (Darius) quickly jumps into this mutual attraction that the two share.

The character Nina is just getting out of a relationship while Darius is attempting to see if Nina was just “one” or “the one”. From there the two embark on this on again off again, I love you/I hate you, why are we moving so fast roller coaster ride. As the film progresses the two split in dramatic fashion with Nina’s character taking a job in another city. Apart the two find great success in their careers of choice but, the viewer can easily see a void in each party’s life. Fate brings the lovers back to the poetry lounge where they met and Nina performs a poem as Darius did for her years earlier. Nina leaves as Darius appears absent but, as she catches a cab in the pouring rain he appears. The movie does not end with a wedding or a walk in the sunset. The movie ends with a question and a decision to be made. I love it because relationships begin with a commitment and they last by staying true to that commitment. The viewer has no idea how the story will end but, the possibilities are endless. I think that’s a reason why I love the “thought” of dating.

I had a friend of mine ask me why I was still single. She quickly interrupted advising “hey what happened on your last few dates”? I responded with my customary “they were ok”. She said let me guess you had a “moment of clarity”? I keep talking attempting to explain but, she stopped me. Kerry a moment of clarity is when a man has sex with a woman and realizes “I’m just not that in to you”. I laughed as surely I was past this juvenile pursuit but, I did reflect on what she said later. Am I ready to settle down? What am I looking for? Had I failed to meet my Nina in the rain?

I was having a conversation with an associate who was having some issues dating. In speaking with her for about 30 minutes I was easily able to asset her dating profile. I said you need to address the issues in your past so you can fully grow and heal. I said you also need to adjust not lower but, adjust your dating expectations. What do you need, not what do you want in a mate? I told her that it appeared to me that she needed someone that valued her needs and always had her back. She paused for a moment and said “yes, that’s really all I need”. Lastly I advised that meeting males that were comfortable just being friends would be beneficial for her. I advised “the best advice that I have ever received has been from people that did not want a thing from me”. The clarity and assuredness that I spoke with made me think more about myself.

As I’ve gotten older I wonder is it odd that I’ve only had two serious relationships. One could point to many factors and some would be true and some not. To be short I’ve not really wanted a girlfriend. So in a way being single is kind of what I have always done. I do get the questions asking did I get hurt when I did fall in love and did it ruin “relationships” for me as I smile. Of course the end of relationships hurt but, actually it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. The end of the relationship allowed me to grow so much as a man and set the course for me to grow professionally and become a better writer. So thinking on it I’m actually more open to a relationship than ever. I just think sharing your life with someone is the most precious gift you can give. I haven’t met her yet but, I imagine when I do hear her name I’ll know because it will sound like love.

Loving one’s self is the beginning of a lifelong romance

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Great Expectations

Aside | Posted on by billjohnson2014

And I’m so evolved I’m so involved

I’m showing growth, I’m so in charge

I’m C.E.O and yea going god

I’m so indebted, I should have been deaded

Selling blow in the park, this I know in my heart

Now I’m so enlighten I might glow in the dark

Shawn Corey Carter  known more by his stage Jay-Z included those lines in a song entitled “Kingdom Come” for the album Kingdom Come. The album was the ninth studio album for Jay-Z and considered a commercial success selling 680,000 copies in the first week. It was unexpected because Jay-Z advised that his 2003 album “The Black Album” would be his last.

The album but, the song specifically records the change that Jay-Z had seen in him. In reflecting Jay-Z advises that now he is accountable to himself and others. He advises that he has evolved and he is excited about his growth from a drug dealer to CEO. Jay-Z is a thinking man now that uses his life lessons to properly dictate his path. He feels humble and thankful that God saved him because he surely would have perished without him.

I was having the kind of conversation that I love with a colleague as it touched on several subjects all of which were diverse yet equally interesting. The topic of dating arose and I responded to how men and woman look at dating differently. I advised that “women marry/date men hoping they will change and men marry/date women hoping they will remain the same”. My colleague advised that she agreed with the point but, made the assertion that women prefer not to use the term “change”. My colleague advised that women used the term “evolve” because change comes with negative coronations.

My colleague finished her retort advising that she did not know why change had developed a negative connation. This made me think and I began to center on several points and examples. I remembered looking at this study that diagrammed the feelings on change within an office. The change could be big or small. It characterized people as resistant, openly resistant, excited/willing and passive. The passive people made up the largest chuck. To quote Marshawn Lynch these people were going along with the change “so they wouldn’t be fired”. The smallest percentage were the “excited/willing made up largely of the “let’s save the world by going green types”. The openly resistant were the most likely to quit but, also cause the largest commotion attempting to get people to see their view point. The resistant would be resistant long enough before they too would join the passive or excited/willing category. If there is/was a change at your job I want you to try to put people in these categories.

One of the reasons people hate change is it goes against the status quo. People have an expectation that has been set from television, there upbringing or in dating from the first date. If anything happens that contradicts or altogether does not meet that expectation it is considered a disaster. Frank Lucas (former drug dealer) advises in short that consistently meeting expectation is how he keeps his cliental happy and thriving. What happens when the expectations are unwarranted? Have you ever seen the woman that has been dating “the guy” react when her friend gets proposed too? Maybe you were the person in your family that everyone expected to have “this” job or drive “that” car. Have you ever done something just to meet an expectation? Why?

The difference between expectations and change are people largely hate change whereas people largely tolerate expectations. I heard an old married woman tell a female newlywed to “never start something that she did not want to finish”. The old woman said in the beginning she started serving her husband his dinner every night and washing all the dishes. The old women advised the young woman “I haven’t had a night off in 40 years”. The tricky things with expectations are some are legitimate. So when you make the statement “I will lower my expectations” so I want be disappointed it appears that you want try your best. Or it appears that you’re not holding the person, item, entity to a standard they/it should live up to.

I think the only time people are willing to accept change is when they are at the complete bottom and there is nowhere else to go. At that point there expectation, there’s that word…there expectation is wherever we go from her has to be up. If someone in heaven mentions change there is uproar. If someone in hell mentions change I guarantee you everyone will have their shoes on before the pronunciation of the “e” in change is complete. On January 20, 2009 Barack H. Obama was inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States. I doubt seriously if the first African American President would have been elected if he had attempted to follow Bill Clinton. Change is sometimes slow, tedious and frustrating but, we can’t always control change just how we respond to it.

It’s been to hard living, but I’m afraid to die

‘Cause I don’t know what’s up there, beyond the sky

It’s been a long, a long time coming

But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

–          Sam Cooke

That Awkward Moment

Posted on by billjohnson2014

Have yo ever shown up somewhere with the same outfit as someone else?  Do you leave the party and go home to change or do you leave to attend another event? Do you maneuver through the room whereas you never really come in contact with your contemporary? Do you walk right up to the person risking possible embarrassment? Thinking back I know the guys I hung around with in college would never let me forget showing up matching another person. I would own the moment by walking up and complimenting the guy. Later I would make a joke about myself and pose for a picture.

That awkward moment is also a 2014 romantic comedy. The Plot follows three young professional men navigate life and dating. The three men could not be more different. Mikey is a doctor who has been married for several years to his college sweet heart. Later we find out that Mikey’s wife cheated on him because he got boring. We watch him find himself all over again in an attempt to win her back. Jason and Daniel design book covers for a publishing company but, they are also still different. Daniel deep down is a romantic that denies it to the core until he falls in love with a mutual female friend that the three men share. Daniel keeps the romance in the closet so long he almost loses the girl. Jason who is the lead character is a serial dater with commitment issues. He advises that every relationship has there “So” moment! So what are we doing, So do you want to make us official, So do you want to meet my parents. At this point it has become awkward for Jason so he runs. The story follows him until he can no longer run and has to turn inward and fight his demons.

In thinking of the blog I began to think of my past awkward moment in regards to dating. I chuckle as I sounded real brave earlier talking about the guy with my shirt on. That has not always been the case. I have an example. I’m having what I believe is a nice conversation with a woman when I ask for her number at the end only to hear “I’m not interested”. What do you do with that feeling? I was having a conversation with some young women who advised they don’t ask men out. The reason being you ask? The answer lies in the “awkward moment” and his brother “rejection”. I thought about the things that are set or better yet not set in motion because we run from those moments.

This goes for males or females. Say you’re out on a date nothing serious so the date could be the first or the third or fourth. At the end of the night you lean in for a kiss and the other party dodges and puts there cheek on your cheek as they hug you. Do you continue to go on dates? Do you address the issue? Do you see the person six months later and hide behind the manikin in Macy’s? Oops….I can honestly say she was a very attractive manikin.

Dear Jane,

Jane we had a really good vibe at that party I met you at. I bought you drinks and engaged you in conversation. You said I was really deep and introspective but, then I would say some line about contraceptive that made you laugh. In the crowded room there we stood as if the world had just stood still….still trying make up in my mind the right time. Before I could ask we exchanged a kiss and then another followed by another. We exchanged numbers and you said you would be in touch. As you walked away I joked “I’d rush just to touch”… you smiled and illicit an “ole hush” as the door closed behind you. Moreover to the “will I ever see her again thoughts” I mulled over the “was that real” and “what actually was that thoughts”. Before day break I awake to one answer to my endless stream of questions. We talked about our people’s pain and struggle and wise cracked “hey that guy looks like Nipsey Russell”. We talked about the kisses and about life’s near misses. You would tell me that you’d like for me to take control sexually and that you wanted a leading role in my life. I’d reply let’s “role play” a sexually uninhibited married couple and you laughed.

When we finally saw each other weeks had passed but, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. We talked, laughed and danced like all of life’s problems could be solved with a warm embrace. Soon after passion erupted like a ball of fire that rain through my body with a rush. I had a yearning to explore you like no one had ever before. I wanted to know every inch of you as God knows the number of hair strains on our head. To feel my face pressed against your awkward moment was divine like a fine wine. It was a substance that I couldn’t quite characterize as it was wet, but sticky while also being soft and textured. As I began to thrust myself toward your awkward moment you retreated. I asked what was wrong as you replied “I just wanted to talk”. I retreated with my awkward moment in my hand and replied “what do we talk about”.

Sincerely, Mr. Awkward Moment

That awkward moment equals that total vulnerability that makes us human beings. These are the moments that grow us as we are but clay that relies on the master’s touch.

The Re-education of the Negro

Posted on by billjohnson2014

The Mis-Education of the Negro is a book written by Dr. Carter G. Woodson in 1933. Dr. Woodson is credited with black history week which later became black history month. In the book Dr. Woodson challenged African Americans to read and do for themselves so they are not dependent on whites. Dr. Woodson argued that the history that was taught to blacks in school caused them to seek out an inferior place in society.

Michael Brown was shot on August 9, 2014 in Ferguson Missouri and the black community was outraged. What did the black community do? We enlisted the help of a famous rapper, marched, protested, looted oh and a reverend or two spoke. All the major media outlets covered this story right up until Robin Williams committed suicide on August 11, 2014. So I ask did we as blacks are even the community of blacks in Missouri effect change? I heard Malcolm X say once that blacks are the only people that have “peaceful revolutions”. He insists that in every major revolution there has been a fight for land and much blood shed. Land is said to hold great power because land is equated to not only physical freedom but, economic and spiritual freedom.

If you’re keeping score there was something awful that happened to a young black man followed by sympathy and a brief national outcry. The outcry that was so short the shooting can still classified as a “black thing” to the masses. Yes, a black something terrible that happens to the black community that causes sympathy but, does not affect the masses. Then there was a tragic death that refocused our attention i.e. a distraction followed by another distraction. You may remember Joan Rivers died on September 4, 2014.

Now we bring the cycle full circle by tearing down the image of the black man. On September 8, 2014 the complete elevator video of Ray Rice punching his now wife was released to the public. This blog is not about morality so I want get into the altercation I just urge you to look at when it was leaked. It was not an accident. The incident took place on February 15, 2014. On September 13, 2014 Adrian Peterson was booked and charged with injuring a child before he was released on bond. The incident he was arrested for took place in May. Does anyone see that pattern? Again I will not argue morality because if any person black or white does the crime they should do the time. The appearance of the powers that be holding information until they can get the most destruction and create hopeless within the race is real. Media brainwashing is real.

Have you ever heard the compliment “he speaks so well” by some media member or politico referring to a black person? Now ask yourself have you ever heard a white person give another white person that compliment? Go back and listen to some of the things that were said about the president when he was running for office. Have you ever heard what is said when Michael Eric Dyson or Stephen A. Smith speak? In 2010 comedian Chris Rock did a set about Colon Powell running for president. “Colon Powell can’t win”. “Colon Powell has a better chance at winning the bronze in female gymnastics”. White people always give Colon Powell the same compliments “he speaks so well”, “he’s so well spoken”. Speaks so well is not a compliment. Speaks so well is something you say about a retarded kid that can talk. He’s an educated man how is he supposed to sound. What voice where you looking to her out of his mouth. “Umma drop me a bomb today”. “I’ll be prezoodent”. In this piece I highlighted media brainwashing as it relates to blacks but, it is something that crosses racial, gender and socioeconomic lines. I argue that the brainwashing of black happens so early that most don’t even realize that they are being positioned and puppeteered

They say the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist