self-help

A meeting with self

Posted on by billjohnson2014

If one is in an abusive relationship  there are many resources and supports available. There are domestic violence shelters, support groups and phone numbers  to call. There are rally’s, walks and conventions to raise awareness. There are specific protocols for law enforcement which follows legislation set at at the state and federal level to curtail such behavior.

If one is dealing with depression or low self esteem there are resources and supports available.  There are programs  that promote holistic treatment like a healthy diet, exercise and talk therapy.  Yoga and meditation are also treatments that some use to find balance in there daily lives.  There are also self help books, seminars and counseling. In addition the school of thought that there is healing power found in spiritual connection and fellowship still exists.

If one is dealing with an unfair environment at there place of employment that are also measures in place. Human Resources takes complaints and files grievances on the part of workers. For some professions that are labor unions available that support each other and will strike if necessary. There is also the ability to transfer to a new unit, new division or file for unemployment if you one quits due to unfair treatment.

These are very real situations that a lot  of us have dealt with. The good thing is if you are smiling today you found one or more of the answers I outlined. In the process of finding that/those answers I venture to say that you found yourself /found more about self..

However, the biggest battle that most of us will fight in our life is not in a court room, on a hospital bed or in a ball field. The biggest battle lies within self. The ability to forgive yourself for the wrong you committed to another or the sin that is your personal struggle. The belief that you can actually become the rose that grew from concrete.  The understanding that the unknown is scary but, faith brings with it the hope of tomorrow.

Amber, the rose that tried to grow from concrete……

Posted on by billjohnson2014

“Getting engaged is like getting…it’s the first hurdle of the roller-coaster and you hear the click.. those loud sounds. This really violent metal chunk o-chunk o-chunking…. (You’re asking yourself) what’s going on here, you know. Boy this thing really goes high (in reference to the roller-coaster) and then you go over the top. The wedding is at the top…you go over the top that’s the wedding and then you’re just screaming”.

“Marriage is like any growth you can’t be ready for it because its growth it’s going to be new. You’re going to have a new life; you’re going to be a new person”. – Jerry Seinfeld

Am I the only one that receives wedding invitations having no idea the two parties were even dating? I ask myself “Kerry where have you been”. To my credit I’m not one for competing or much less keeping an eye on the Jones’s. On a larger scale I am that friend that has no idea what Kylie Jenner wore to the Grammy’s or who Drake is dating. I’m getting off topic. I don’t spend a lot of time on social media but, when I’m on there I am surprised by what I see. What am I seeing? I see a lot of proposals, bridal showers and weddings.

I’m sure there are many reasons to why those things jump out to me. The first I would say centers on age. I’m going strictly off perception but, I would guess individuals 18-28 get married more than any other age group. I would say the second reason surrounds my use of social media. For people like me that limit their social media use we have to realize the world never stops. If you don’t track someone for a year or two you will surely be surprised with the happenings in his/her life. The last surrounds my personal association with weddings. I have been a groomsman in two weddings in the last 18 months and have seen my sister, brother and father married in that span.

To say the least I was very intrigued as to what the numbers showed in relation to couples getting married in my age range. Is the percentage higher now than in years past? Is the number lower? How are those numbers reflected in the divorce rate? Lastly where does my ethnicity factor into the equation?

Have you ever performed research on marriage? The first information that jumps out at you and repeats in various publications is the rise in median marital age. The average age for women is 25.8 and 28.3 for men. The age group that has suffered the greatest decline in marriages is you guessed it 18-28. 20 % of individuals in that age range are married compared to 60% of that same age group 40 years ago according to the 2010 Census. According to the CDC the decline is related to an increase in cohabitation and single parenthood.

The Pew Research Center goes against the grain as it advises that public perception is mixed on the institution of marriage. Meaning as a nation we do not value the institution as in years past so thus the decline. The aforementioned premise was not supported in the various studies I observed but, I actually believe that the study does have some merit. The majority of the studies concluded that minorities who as we have learned marry less than whites still value the institution of marriage. The previous statement is not actually supported when it comes time to say “I do”. As of 2010 55% of black adults had ever been married compared with 64% of Hispanics and 76% of Whites.  According to the Census currently 45% of African American households contain a married couple. Blacks are significantly more likely than any other race to never marry, cohabit and bear children out of wedlock according to the Census. The national illegitimacy rate (children born out of wedlock) is 33% but, for blacks that number is more like 70%. Educational attainment or lack thereof supports the aforementioned premise more than most give credence.

A study called “Women’s Education and Their Likelihood of Marriage” performed by professor Paula England expounded on the previous topic. The study found that 75% of college educated women are married, compared to 70% of those who attend some college and 60% with only high school education. According to (blg.com) college graduates are 20% to 30% less likely to divorce than non-graduates which is a good segue to divorce rates. Men 20 to 24 divorce at a rate of 38.8% percent which is higher than any other age range. Women share the same age ranges but, there clip is 36.6%. The website divorcesaloon.com has the divorce rate for blacks currently at 70%.

Looking over all the facts and figures from the CDC, Census and countless studies I was not satisfied. I settled myself as the disintegration of the black family started long ago and as blacks we perpetuate that cycle in various ways. I did find solace in information received on discoverthenetworks.org that gave me hope. Black two parent families where both parties work full time have a mere 2% poverty rate which leads me to my conclusion. We have to breakdown why blacks want to get married but, don’t and also why we divorce higher than any other race. I’m not sure how to correct the problem but, I know it first starts with ME. I went to college and I’m waiting to get married. I need to choose a partner that helps support our family spiritually and financially as we shape and nurture our child(s) views. I didn’t see any marriages up close as a kid and to think my son could see 4/5 just with his dad, aunts, uncle and grandfather. I think that’s a step in the right direction.

I feel like I’m a planet and the other woman are kind of moving through this solar system with me. And marriage is like you decide to jump off of your planet and cross to another planet. But you can only do it when one planet passes real close and you look and say “hey I think I can jump across”.

– Jerry Seinfeld

That Awkward Moment

Posted on by billjohnson2014

Have yo ever shown up somewhere with the same outfit as someone else?  Do you leave the party and go home to change or do you leave to attend another event? Do you maneuver through the room whereas you never really come in contact with your contemporary? Do you walk right up to the person risking possible embarrassment? Thinking back I know the guys I hung around with in college would never let me forget showing up matching another person. I would own the moment by walking up and complimenting the guy. Later I would make a joke about myself and pose for a picture.

That awkward moment is also a 2014 romantic comedy. The Plot follows three young professional men navigate life and dating. The three men could not be more different. Mikey is a doctor who has been married for several years to his college sweet heart. Later we find out that Mikey’s wife cheated on him because he got boring. We watch him find himself all over again in an attempt to win her back. Jason and Daniel design book covers for a publishing company but, they are also still different. Daniel deep down is a romantic that denies it to the core until he falls in love with a mutual female friend that the three men share. Daniel keeps the romance in the closet so long he almost loses the girl. Jason who is the lead character is a serial dater with commitment issues. He advises that every relationship has there “So” moment! So what are we doing, So do you want to make us official, So do you want to meet my parents. At this point it has become awkward for Jason so he runs. The story follows him until he can no longer run and has to turn inward and fight his demons.

In thinking of the blog I began to think of my past awkward moment in regards to dating. I chuckle as I sounded real brave earlier talking about the guy with my shirt on. That has not always been the case. I have an example. I’m having what I believe is a nice conversation with a woman when I ask for her number at the end only to hear “I’m not interested”. What do you do with that feeling? I was having a conversation with some young women who advised they don’t ask men out. The reason being you ask? The answer lies in the “awkward moment” and his brother “rejection”. I thought about the things that are set or better yet not set in motion because we run from those moments.

This goes for males or females. Say you’re out on a date nothing serious so the date could be the first or the third or fourth. At the end of the night you lean in for a kiss and the other party dodges and puts there cheek on your cheek as they hug you. Do you continue to go on dates? Do you address the issue? Do you see the person six months later and hide behind the manikin in Macy’s? Oops….I can honestly say she was a very attractive manikin.

Dear Jane,

Jane we had a really good vibe at that party I met you at. I bought you drinks and engaged you in conversation. You said I was really deep and introspective but, then I would say some line about contraceptive that made you laugh. In the crowded room there we stood as if the world had just stood still….still trying make up in my mind the right time. Before I could ask we exchanged a kiss and then another followed by another. We exchanged numbers and you said you would be in touch. As you walked away I joked “I’d rush just to touch”… you smiled and illicit an “ole hush” as the door closed behind you. Moreover to the “will I ever see her again thoughts” I mulled over the “was that real” and “what actually was that thoughts”. Before day break I awake to one answer to my endless stream of questions. We talked about our people’s pain and struggle and wise cracked “hey that guy looks like Nipsey Russell”. We talked about the kisses and about life’s near misses. You would tell me that you’d like for me to take control sexually and that you wanted a leading role in my life. I’d reply let’s “role play” a sexually uninhibited married couple and you laughed.

When we finally saw each other weeks had passed but, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. We talked, laughed and danced like all of life’s problems could be solved with a warm embrace. Soon after passion erupted like a ball of fire that rain through my body with a rush. I had a yearning to explore you like no one had ever before. I wanted to know every inch of you as God knows the number of hair strains on our head. To feel my face pressed against your awkward moment was divine like a fine wine. It was a substance that I couldn’t quite characterize as it was wet, but sticky while also being soft and textured. As I began to thrust myself toward your awkward moment you retreated. I asked what was wrong as you replied “I just wanted to talk”. I retreated with my awkward moment in my hand and replied “what do we talk about”.

Sincerely, Mr. Awkward Moment

That awkward moment equals that total vulnerability that makes us human beings. These are the moments that grow us as we are but clay that relies on the master’s touch.

Can a man cry?

Posted on by billjohnson2014

I am a part of the legacy that is “boys don’t cry”. I along with the generations before me received all the usual connation’s associated with women and homosexuals if a tear was shed. The kind of connation’s that if shared in public nowadays by an entertainer or athlete would surely be followed by a public apology. Boys are cultured consciously and sub-consciously very early that crying is a sign of weakness.

The writer of the poem Antwone Fisher had quite the journey that he detailed in his memoir Finding Fish which later became the movie Antwone Fisher. In the poem we see a man child who is attempting to get out of the darkness and move into the light. The poem makes the reader want to understand the pain that fisher feels. Here he is being a “good boy” but, there is no one there to love him or cultivate his growth. Who will cry for me? Who will be my voice? I cry myself to sleep at night and no one cares. I’ve been through the storm and the rain and all I want is a smiling face to pass me an umbrella and wipe my tears away.

I have a really easy exercise for women; gather in a room a group of 15-20 varying in age, social class ,background and ethnicity. I want the question of what do you want from a man/from your man to be asked. I guarantee answers such as more loving, compassionate, sympathetic; in touch with his feelings, better communicator and sensitive will come up as answers. I want you to wait several minutes and ask the same group what they think when a man is labeled as “sensitive”, “in touch with his feelings”, “emotional”. The answers are usually “soft”, “weak”, “gay” and several others. For those of you that just had a “aha” moment let us pause.

Men are socialized very young by their parents, relatives, friends, television and pop culture on what it is to be manly. Growing up I played sports and my mother was my biggest cheerleader and my biggest critic. I chuckle as I advise that facing my mom after a bad game was like Tony Romo facing the media after a crucial turnover. I was speaking to a long time little league coach recently who advised that he decided to give up coaching. When asked “why” the coach said he knew it was time when his player about broke his ankle stealing a base but, was heckled “get up, be a man” when he remained on the sand. In my wisdom I asked why the fan wasn’t thrown out to which the coach replied “the fan was the young man’s mother”.

We force males to shut down there emotional side in a way that stunts there growth forever. Males cannot relate to females in some ways because her age in conveying feelings and emotions is 30 but, his is 12. If we break down the statement “don’t cry, be a man” what do we get? Don’t cry is saying your feelings are not justified so in a sense you should not have them. I am not validating you by advising you not to cry. The statement “be a man” opens up a caveat of destruction. You say “caveat of destruction” sounds a little exaggerated and I say no. What that statement says is you’re not allowed to fully develop because you need to be something that you’re not TODAY. Young boys are trying to be something that half of men today who are 25-50 are still trying to figure out. For those young men they are compiling every image some positive and some negative of what a man is.

It was about two years ago watching a YouTube clip of rapper Wale that I was able to come to grips with a part of me. Wale advised that it was taboo in hip-hop to be considered “emotional”. Wale advised that being emotional was seen as only a female trait. Wale continued to speak advising that he had come to grips that he was/is an emotional person. Wale advised that his emotion made him who he is today and has allowed his fans to connect with him. In hearing Wale’s words I had a “aha” moment of my own as I had been writing about two years at that time. With the help of God I am able to construct thought provoking messages that attempt to enlighten and inspire because of my emotions. I don’t love easily but, the things that I care about are on my heart daily. This love and raw passion allows me to create but, also fuels sides of me that if not controlled can be destructive. I believe the knowing is half the battle.

The world is tuff enough on men so I’m not asking for boys to hold hands and sing “Kumbaye” but, if they could just be boys as girls are allowed to be girls.

ABC..1,2,3 I’m not letting money control me

Posted on by billjohnson2014

Shaq is rich; the white man that signs his check is wealthy. Here you go Shaq, go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling-Bling….I ain’t talking bout Oprah; I’m talking about Bill Gates.. OK! If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money he would jump out of a window. I’m not talking about rich, I’m talking about wealthy. – Chris Rock

People pray for poor people, but they listen to rich people. I want to be rich. – John Thompson II

Of the billionaires I have known, money just brings out the basic traits in them. If they were jerks before they had money, they are simply jerks with a billion dollars. – Warren Buffet

Pregnant people get strange tastes. I was pregnant with poverty. Pregnant with dirt and pregnant with smells that turn people away, pregnant with cold and pregnant with shoes that were never bought for me, pregnant with five other people in my bed and No Daddy in the next room, and pregnant with hunger. Paste don’t taste too bad when you’re hungry. These words uttered by a welfare child who saw his mom raise 6 children as a maid. – Dick Gregory

When I was in high school the big thing was to go to college graduate and get a desk job with benefits. Imagine my surprise when I get out of school the oil field workers, construction, energy company workers are making twice as much as me. It was just that, a surprise. I was not envious. I didn’t regret going to school nor was I going to apply to work in these professions.

I recently was faced with a possible opportunity to interview with one of those jobs and it made me revisit how I look at wealth and financial flexibility. I was the kid that would work and save my money for months just to purchase an item I really wanted. It was never about the money. My younger sister would spend money she received that same day. My older sister would spend half, loan out some and save the rest.  I could go without candy; chips and other “nick knacks” because I was focused on what I wanted. I have never been focused or driven by money. I have always looked at money as a tool to acquire goods or services etc.

I think most people would say they would like to live comfortably and that’s fair. I’ve never measured success in dollars and cents. I always felt like if I was happy with me, put God first and I received my families respect and admiration I would be successful. I felt like if I was trying to be the best person I could be I would be successful. As far as wealth I admit I never really gave it much thought until the last few years. Hill Harper is his book The Wealth Cure advises that money is not wealth. “Money plus wellness equals wealth”. In a sense wealth is tied to your health and financial flexibility. If you stay in your financial lane unburdened by unnecessary debt you will remain flexible.

Kevin Hart who, at this present time is about as big as it comes in Hollywood did the Laugh at My Pain tour in 2012. I stay in my financial lane people! Let me explain what I mean when I say this. Here’s what happens you start to make money you meet other people that make money. When you meet other people that make money you want to hang out with these people. Naturally you want to spend money like how they spend money but, you realize that you don’t make the same kind of money that they make. Hart ends the set advising he doesn’t hang around athletes because “they don’t respect money”.

At its core money is just printed green paper that only has the assigned value that has been placed on it. How do you look at money? Do you feel pressure to keep up with the “Jones’s”? That Lexus are condo with the view may be way more significant to you than just “a car” and a “house”. Do you look at money emotionally? Man I had a bad day but, some new shoes will make me feel better. I don’t feel like even leaving the house “I don’t get paid until next week”. We have given money and its pursuit to much value and control over our lives. Money has its place and that is a fact. We need money to acquire goods and services. It is also the compensation we receive for labor and ingenuity. I still can’t comprehend how $8.00 compensates a man for an hour of his life but, I digress. I also encourage people to enjoy the fruits of their labor but, in moderation. By in large I want us to understand that money is not the path to happiness or fulfillment.

I was having a recent conversation with an associate explaining my views on money, wealth and etc. The questions of what is money to you and how do you look at money came up. I asked are you looking to attain money for greed, security, a tool or for some other reason. She posed the question “what if I want to take care of my family or set myself up for the future”. I advised that was very admirable but, at what cost. When your kids are grown and your parents long gone will they remember how well you took care of them or that you were never there. Is it not our purpose in life to help others how can you help others and enjoy life if you are centrally concerned with yourself? You have to find a balance.

The starting point of all achievement is DESIRE. Keep this constantly in your mind. Weak desire brings weak results; just a small fire makes a small amount of heat. – Napoleon Hill

A story on Fear, Motivation and Perseverance

Posted on by billjohnson2014

Franklin D. Roosevelt spoke to a nation in his 1933 inaugural address that had fallen on hard times. The Great Depression had turned the nation on its side. The famous quote “my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself’. FDR was telling Americans that there fear and or lack of faith in the economy was making it worse

When I was a child I was taught to use my fear and not to allow my fear to use me i.e. dictate my action. I was also taught that the word’s “I can’t” should never leave a man’s lips. For the most part I would say I have used my fear to make me better by facing new challenges head on. My mother who is a great swimmer told me the story of how she learned to swim when I was a kid. My mom said my grandfather knew she was scared of the water so during one summer day at the lake he decided to throw her in. My mother said it was sink or swim. With the likelihood of drowning my mother remembered the swim techniques that my grandfather had unsuccessfully tried to teach her earlier in the summer. My mother swam that day and she has never stopped.

There was this huge party this fellow attended where he had one to many drinks. As the fellow left the party he had to make the decision to walk or call a cab. The fellow decided that he would cut through the cemetery cutting his mile long walk in half. The fellow made his way halfway through the cemetery when he fell into what appeared to be an open grave. The fellow frantically tried to get out for several minutes but, he eventually gave up. A little later in the night a second man fell into the same open grave as the fellow had fallen in. As the man frantically tried to get out he heard the fellow say “you might as well give up because you’re not getting out”. The man now scared to death quickly made his way out of the open grave.

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.”- Confucius

Marianne Williamson authored the 1992 book A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A course in Miracles. In the book the author looked at the changing power that accepting God’s love has on the human spirit. A quote from the book has been used by several other authors:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually who are you not to be?

You are a child of God

Your playing small does not serve the world

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

 

All of my fears surround my impact or lack thereof on the world. Did I do my part to reach as many people as I could? What lasting impact did I make? Was I an agent of change or did the world change me? What are your fears? Are they holding you back? Tell yourself today I am motivated to overcome my fear through perseverance.