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I went to sleep young but, I woke up old

Posted on by billjohnson2014

I was at a work training a few weeks back…yes a work training. The second speaker was a part of the staff for the areas Substance Abuse and Aging program. The woman read from a power point and I kind of half way followed along which is the norm for such a training. The woman would stop to take questions and make little funny antidotes here and there as I began to clock watch. It wasn’t until the woman advised that she was 80 years old did I sit up in my chair. I told myself surely this woman appearing no older than 65 could not be 80 years old but, it was true.

The woman continued advising that she had two children her son being around 60 and her daughter around 55. The woman advised that she was 45 years old when her alcohol abuse caught up with her. The woman specified that alcohol ended her marriage and almost ended her relationship with her children. The woman said that her children were adults and out of the house when she began drinking every day. The woman said she knew she had a problem when her children confronted. “The conversation changed me and I entered an inpatient treatment facility”. She continued advising that she has over 30 years of sobriety which she attributed to successfully attainting her master’s degree at age 50.

The next thing that the woman said left the biggest imprint on me. She advised that it was time to retire but, she didn’t want to because all of her friends where dead. The woman advised that when your 20 and 30 they make retirement sound like this promise land but, it’s not. The women thanked God that she was in relatively good health but, she advised that she had nothing to look forward to in retirement. She specified that her children where old and dealing with their own issues. She further specified that she is taken medication for the first time in her life and it “sucks”. The woman ended advising that as a single 80 year old woman it is hard because outside of work nobody needs her.

Listening to the women made me think about the image that I had about retirement. Did I think retirement was this awesome place like South Beach? As I pondered the unknown one thing that I did know was that I did not want to be old. Don’t get me wrong I welcomed the wisdom that came with age. I really would not be where I am without the going through life’s trials and tribulations and coming out on the other side having learned the lesson. With all that said a part of me has always looked at being old as dependent, weak or lacking. In my head as a child death was that place old people went and if I wanted to avoid pain, suffering and death I need not get old.

As I’ve gotten older and closer to my faith I understand dying is a certainty. The Christian faith teaches you that if you are saved and believe in Jesus you will go to heaven and that was more than enough for me. To be honest I never gave much thought to dying as I was happy being 10, 11, 15 and so on. Something in me could not imagine me as 25 let alone 65. Every year I have a birthday it’s kind of bittersweet.

I’m not sure how it was passed to me but, since I became an adult “30” has been The Age. The age 30 signaled the end of any remaining immaturity. The time when one comes to grips with what is a dream? What is real? What is going to pay the bills? This is the reunion period in life where you consciously or subconsciously measure the new you vs the old you. At the same time you’re measuring yourself against your classmates and you’re either satisfied or disappointed. Michael Jordan said something during his hall of fame speech “getting inducted is bittersweet because the athlete in me wants to come back and play or at least make you all think I can”.

I thought so much about my feelings about aging that I wanted to see if my feelings where mine alone. My blue collar ultra-competitive never quit attitude was honed on the pavement outside my house against my dad. It would only make since to see if he had similar thoughts about aging right?

I barely got the first question out when Pop replied “Physically getting old for me is not fun at all because I’m very athletic.  The older you get the more injuries surface and things just seem to snowball”. My father has had two surgeries’ on his knees in the last several months. My father recalled “I can remember talking to my mom some years back and I told her there are two things I hate and one of them I’ve already been. The first is a child and the second is old. In both age groups I feel one cannot be all they can be as they are hindered by age or their physical/mental ability level. Speaking as a man it messes with your mind. At 25 your wishing somebody tries to mess with you but, at 50 your praying to God nobody tries. It’s a hard thing as a man dealing with old age and injuries to question whether you can defend yourself”.

My father makes his living in the service industry and he has done so for the past 14 years. He is in the kind of field that lends its self to a very long shelf life. I asked him if he could see himself working 20 more years to which he replied “I would say 10”. “There are just so many factors that go into that namely my eyes and knees”. My dad would later advise that he was currently already wearing the bifocals of contacts.

The conversation continued as I asked Pop how big would “cost of living” factor into his retirement. “I see a lot of people in my generation buying houses later and or supporting their children/grandchildren. Those types of lifestyles dictate individuals having to work into their seventies. He continued some even retire but, have to go back to work for fear of out living there money”. My father implored me saying the keyword for me and my generation is “preparedness”.

As the conversation started to wine down I asked Pop did he feel like he would become increasingly unhappy dealing with aging. He replied “I’ve said a lot of things but I don’t want you to think I’m down on aging”. “Sure the man loses some of his zeal for intimacy as yes you go through some personality changes but, I like who I’ve become”. I asked Pop to explain he replied “I had to be the lion when you kids where young, I had to protect my family. Now you guys are grown and can protect yourselves so now I’m something you pet at the zoo. I thank God that I have attained wisdom and he has put me in positions where I can help a lot of people. If I would have died young I would not have understood my mistakes and Gods plan for each of us”.

Amber, the rose that tried to grow from concrete……

Posted on by billjohnson2014

“Getting engaged is like getting…it’s the first hurdle of the roller-coaster and you hear the click.. those loud sounds. This really violent metal chunk o-chunk o-chunking…. (You’re asking yourself) what’s going on here, you know. Boy this thing really goes high (in reference to the roller-coaster) and then you go over the top. The wedding is at the top…you go over the top that’s the wedding and then you’re just screaming”.

“Marriage is like any growth you can’t be ready for it because its growth it’s going to be new. You’re going to have a new life; you’re going to be a new person”. – Jerry Seinfeld

Am I the only one that receives wedding invitations having no idea the two parties were even dating? I ask myself “Kerry where have you been”. To my credit I’m not one for competing or much less keeping an eye on the Jones’s. On a larger scale I am that friend that has no idea what Kylie Jenner wore to the Grammy’s or who Drake is dating. I’m getting off topic. I don’t spend a lot of time on social media but, when I’m on there I am surprised by what I see. What am I seeing? I see a lot of proposals, bridal showers and weddings.

I’m sure there are many reasons to why those things jump out to me. The first I would say centers on age. I’m going strictly off perception but, I would guess individuals 18-28 get married more than any other age group. I would say the second reason surrounds my use of social media. For people like me that limit their social media use we have to realize the world never stops. If you don’t track someone for a year or two you will surely be surprised with the happenings in his/her life. The last surrounds my personal association with weddings. I have been a groomsman in two weddings in the last 18 months and have seen my sister, brother and father married in that span.

To say the least I was very intrigued as to what the numbers showed in relation to couples getting married in my age range. Is the percentage higher now than in years past? Is the number lower? How are those numbers reflected in the divorce rate? Lastly where does my ethnicity factor into the equation?

Have you ever performed research on marriage? The first information that jumps out at you and repeats in various publications is the rise in median marital age. The average age for women is 25.8 and 28.3 for men. The age group that has suffered the greatest decline in marriages is you guessed it 18-28. 20 % of individuals in that age range are married compared to 60% of that same age group 40 years ago according to the 2010 Census. According to the CDC the decline is related to an increase in cohabitation and single parenthood.

The Pew Research Center goes against the grain as it advises that public perception is mixed on the institution of marriage. Meaning as a nation we do not value the institution as in years past so thus the decline. The aforementioned premise was not supported in the various studies I observed but, I actually believe that the study does have some merit. The majority of the studies concluded that minorities who as we have learned marry less than whites still value the institution of marriage. The previous statement is not actually supported when it comes time to say “I do”. As of 2010 55% of black adults had ever been married compared with 64% of Hispanics and 76% of Whites.  According to the Census currently 45% of African American households contain a married couple. Blacks are significantly more likely than any other race to never marry, cohabit and bear children out of wedlock according to the Census. The national illegitimacy rate (children born out of wedlock) is 33% but, for blacks that number is more like 70%. Educational attainment or lack thereof supports the aforementioned premise more than most give credence.

A study called “Women’s Education and Their Likelihood of Marriage” performed by professor Paula England expounded on the previous topic. The study found that 75% of college educated women are married, compared to 70% of those who attend some college and 60% with only high school education. According to (blg.com) college graduates are 20% to 30% less likely to divorce than non-graduates which is a good segue to divorce rates. Men 20 to 24 divorce at a rate of 38.8% percent which is higher than any other age range. Women share the same age ranges but, there clip is 36.6%. The website divorcesaloon.com has the divorce rate for blacks currently at 70%.

Looking over all the facts and figures from the CDC, Census and countless studies I was not satisfied. I settled myself as the disintegration of the black family started long ago and as blacks we perpetuate that cycle in various ways. I did find solace in information received on discoverthenetworks.org that gave me hope. Black two parent families where both parties work full time have a mere 2% poverty rate which leads me to my conclusion. We have to breakdown why blacks want to get married but, don’t and also why we divorce higher than any other race. I’m not sure how to correct the problem but, I know it first starts with ME. I went to college and I’m waiting to get married. I need to choose a partner that helps support our family spiritually and financially as we shape and nurture our child(s) views. I didn’t see any marriages up close as a kid and to think my son could see 4/5 just with his dad, aunts, uncle and grandfather. I think that’s a step in the right direction.

I feel like I’m a planet and the other woman are kind of moving through this solar system with me. And marriage is like you decide to jump off of your planet and cross to another planet. But you can only do it when one planet passes real close and you look and say “hey I think I can jump across”.

– Jerry Seinfeld

That Awkward Moment

Posted on by billjohnson2014

Have yo ever shown up somewhere with the same outfit as someone else?  Do you leave the party and go home to change or do you leave to attend another event? Do you maneuver through the room whereas you never really come in contact with your contemporary? Do you walk right up to the person risking possible embarrassment? Thinking back I know the guys I hung around with in college would never let me forget showing up matching another person. I would own the moment by walking up and complimenting the guy. Later I would make a joke about myself and pose for a picture.

That awkward moment is also a 2014 romantic comedy. The Plot follows three young professional men navigate life and dating. The three men could not be more different. Mikey is a doctor who has been married for several years to his college sweet heart. Later we find out that Mikey’s wife cheated on him because he got boring. We watch him find himself all over again in an attempt to win her back. Jason and Daniel design book covers for a publishing company but, they are also still different. Daniel deep down is a romantic that denies it to the core until he falls in love with a mutual female friend that the three men share. Daniel keeps the romance in the closet so long he almost loses the girl. Jason who is the lead character is a serial dater with commitment issues. He advises that every relationship has there “So” moment! So what are we doing, So do you want to make us official, So do you want to meet my parents. At this point it has become awkward for Jason so he runs. The story follows him until he can no longer run and has to turn inward and fight his demons.

In thinking of the blog I began to think of my past awkward moment in regards to dating. I chuckle as I sounded real brave earlier talking about the guy with my shirt on. That has not always been the case. I have an example. I’m having what I believe is a nice conversation with a woman when I ask for her number at the end only to hear “I’m not interested”. What do you do with that feeling? I was having a conversation with some young women who advised they don’t ask men out. The reason being you ask? The answer lies in the “awkward moment” and his brother “rejection”. I thought about the things that are set or better yet not set in motion because we run from those moments.

This goes for males or females. Say you’re out on a date nothing serious so the date could be the first or the third or fourth. At the end of the night you lean in for a kiss and the other party dodges and puts there cheek on your cheek as they hug you. Do you continue to go on dates? Do you address the issue? Do you see the person six months later and hide behind the manikin in Macy’s? Oops….I can honestly say she was a very attractive manikin.

Dear Jane,

Jane we had a really good vibe at that party I met you at. I bought you drinks and engaged you in conversation. You said I was really deep and introspective but, then I would say some line about contraceptive that made you laugh. In the crowded room there we stood as if the world had just stood still….still trying make up in my mind the right time. Before I could ask we exchanged a kiss and then another followed by another. We exchanged numbers and you said you would be in touch. As you walked away I joked “I’d rush just to touch”… you smiled and illicit an “ole hush” as the door closed behind you. Moreover to the “will I ever see her again thoughts” I mulled over the “was that real” and “what actually was that thoughts”. Before day break I awake to one answer to my endless stream of questions. We talked about our people’s pain and struggle and wise cracked “hey that guy looks like Nipsey Russell”. We talked about the kisses and about life’s near misses. You would tell me that you’d like for me to take control sexually and that you wanted a leading role in my life. I’d reply let’s “role play” a sexually uninhibited married couple and you laughed.

When we finally saw each other weeks had passed but, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. We talked, laughed and danced like all of life’s problems could be solved with a warm embrace. Soon after passion erupted like a ball of fire that rain through my body with a rush. I had a yearning to explore you like no one had ever before. I wanted to know every inch of you as God knows the number of hair strains on our head. To feel my face pressed against your awkward moment was divine like a fine wine. It was a substance that I couldn’t quite characterize as it was wet, but sticky while also being soft and textured. As I began to thrust myself toward your awkward moment you retreated. I asked what was wrong as you replied “I just wanted to talk”. I retreated with my awkward moment in my hand and replied “what do we talk about”.

Sincerely, Mr. Awkward Moment

That awkward moment equals that total vulnerability that makes us human beings. These are the moments that grow us as we are but clay that relies on the master’s touch.