parenting

From Dusk till Dad

Posted on by billjohnson2014

I think the most magnificent creature that God created was the woman. She is beautiful and strong while also being loving, kind and submissive. She is simple in that her original purpose was to be the help mate to the man. She is complex as women are forever changing like the seasons. As the first day of fall starts….the countdown to winter has already begun.

Women grow up to be the mothers that will hold dear. I think motherhood is the most defining role in a child’s life. Mother’s usually deserve the credit whether they get it or not while also shouldering blame when it’s rarely their fault. Motherhood is not a job as much as it is a responsibility. You get paid for a job after work is completed. The job of motherhood is never done and you seldom if ever reap the fruit of your labor.

As I began to reflect on fatherhood it became clear that mothers are blessed with this hindsight…this protective nature that cultivates the bond they share with their children. This bond between mother and child starts when the child is unborn. In my opinion fatherhood is not as difficult in theory but, fatherhood does not come with the same road map so to speak. So in practice fatherhood is just as difficult as or more difficult than motherhood. In the way mothers have the defining role in children’s lives the gap left by an absent father is the hardest to fill.

You disagree? Think for a few moments on what generally makes a good mother. I’m sure most of us would say nurturing, insightful, warm, supportive and dependable. Most would admit those characteristics sound vague yet we know what they mean because they describe our mother. Think a few moments on what generally makes a good dad. Do I hear crickets? And that’s totally ok. I would say by in large people either don’t know what makes a good dad or they have 100 different characteristics which still proves my point. This blog was not written so we can create a fatherhood hall of fame. As the writer full well realizes poor fathers have attributed to the misconceptions of fatherhood. This blog was intended to start the conversation of where we are and how we can get back.

My life and the lives of many men have been directly affected by our fathers not having adequate role models. Along with all the things that men miss by not having a father they miss seeing how fathers well…father. My father has told me in serious conversations and joking that he did not have a clue what he was doing the first few years. My dad says “I had a mom so her protective instinct rubbed off on me. So I just tried to love and protect you all the best I could. I was just learning the ends and outs of parenting…of being a dad as I went”. According to the 2011 Census 24 million children (1 and 3) are growing up in homes without their biological fathers. This issue appears to be crossing socioeconomics lines and the generation gap which leads me to my next point.

My brother and law and my sister have been married for 6 years but, they have been together a total of 11 years. When they fight it looks like there playing and when there playing it looks like sibling’s ruff housing. They by far have the most successful marriage I have ever seen up close. I think there marriage sticks out to me even more because they started their relationship at 16. Their son who is 6 was talking to me…mind you they have an 11 year old and twins who are 3. So the 6 year old asks Uncle Kerry why aren’t you married. I replied where did that come from nephew? He said well you’re older than my daddy because he’s 27 and he’s married but, you’re not married. I replied “well that’s true”. I said your daddy was lucky to find a nice girl but, I’m trying to find a nice girl. He looked with this pondering expression for a few seconds and then smiled big saying “I don’t get it Uncle Kerry I still think you should be married”. I died laughing.

In speaking with my brother in law and other men you can tell their children and wives give them great joy, purpose and satisfaction. With that said speaking with these brothers I can see the constraints and also pressure that they are under at times. One of the guys told me “it all happens so fast”. One minute you’re dating and the next you’re the old married guy with two kids .I think and will always think a man walking away from his family is a cowardice act. As I get older I am able to reason and also accept a lot of decisions that men make from a place of understanding. People say be a man! Some day’s that’s easier said than done.  I think that’s one of the reasons me and my father are as close as we have ever been. He has grown tremendously as a father, I as a man and we all know the adage “time heals all”.

I was speaking with another guy “kids always want things” “women are never satisfied” “your pulled in a million directions” do you ever want it to stop? He smiled big and said “where is my wife” as he looked around. He said so much without saying anything at all.

One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the father prayed, Dear God, make me the kind of man my son needs me to be.

  • Anonymous

Can a man cry?

Posted on by billjohnson2014

I am a part of the legacy that is “boys don’t cry”. I along with the generations before me received all the usual connation’s associated with women and homosexuals if a tear was shed. The kind of connation’s that if shared in public nowadays by an entertainer or athlete would surely be followed by a public apology. Boys are cultured consciously and sub-consciously very early that crying is a sign of weakness.

The writer of the poem Antwone Fisher had quite the journey that he detailed in his memoir Finding Fish which later became the movie Antwone Fisher. In the poem we see a man child who is attempting to get out of the darkness and move into the light. The poem makes the reader want to understand the pain that fisher feels. Here he is being a “good boy” but, there is no one there to love him or cultivate his growth. Who will cry for me? Who will be my voice? I cry myself to sleep at night and no one cares. I’ve been through the storm and the rain and all I want is a smiling face to pass me an umbrella and wipe my tears away.

I have a really easy exercise for women; gather in a room a group of 15-20 varying in age, social class ,background and ethnicity. I want the question of what do you want from a man/from your man to be asked. I guarantee answers such as more loving, compassionate, sympathetic; in touch with his feelings, better communicator and sensitive will come up as answers. I want you to wait several minutes and ask the same group what they think when a man is labeled as “sensitive”, “in touch with his feelings”, “emotional”. The answers are usually “soft”, “weak”, “gay” and several others. For those of you that just had a “aha” moment let us pause.

Men are socialized very young by their parents, relatives, friends, television and pop culture on what it is to be manly. Growing up I played sports and my mother was my biggest cheerleader and my biggest critic. I chuckle as I advise that facing my mom after a bad game was like Tony Romo facing the media after a crucial turnover. I was speaking to a long time little league coach recently who advised that he decided to give up coaching. When asked “why” the coach said he knew it was time when his player about broke his ankle stealing a base but, was heckled “get up, be a man” when he remained on the sand. In my wisdom I asked why the fan wasn’t thrown out to which the coach replied “the fan was the young man’s mother”.

We force males to shut down there emotional side in a way that stunts there growth forever. Males cannot relate to females in some ways because her age in conveying feelings and emotions is 30 but, his is 12. If we break down the statement “don’t cry, be a man” what do we get? Don’t cry is saying your feelings are not justified so in a sense you should not have them. I am not validating you by advising you not to cry. The statement “be a man” opens up a caveat of destruction. You say “caveat of destruction” sounds a little exaggerated and I say no. What that statement says is you’re not allowed to fully develop because you need to be something that you’re not TODAY. Young boys are trying to be something that half of men today who are 25-50 are still trying to figure out. For those young men they are compiling every image some positive and some negative of what a man is.

It was about two years ago watching a YouTube clip of rapper Wale that I was able to come to grips with a part of me. Wale advised that it was taboo in hip-hop to be considered “emotional”. Wale advised that being emotional was seen as only a female trait. Wale continued to speak advising that he had come to grips that he was/is an emotional person. Wale advised that his emotion made him who he is today and has allowed his fans to connect with him. In hearing Wale’s words I had a “aha” moment of my own as I had been writing about two years at that time. With the help of God I am able to construct thought provoking messages that attempt to enlighten and inspire because of my emotions. I don’t love easily but, the things that I care about are on my heart daily. This love and raw passion allows me to create but, also fuels sides of me that if not controlled can be destructive. I believe the knowing is half the battle.

The world is tuff enough on men so I’m not asking for boys to hold hands and sing “Kumbaye” but, if they could just be boys as girls are allowed to be girls.

And all this time I thought…..

Posted on by billjohnson2014

I think I can speak a little bit about unplanned pregnancy as I am the byproduct. My mother had my sibling 14 months my senior very young. To hear my mother tell it the consensus after my sibling arrived was “she’s young and made a mistake but, it want happen again”. Imagine the worlds surprise and disdain as virtually no one even knew I existed until they saw me out of the womb. No there were no Lamaze classes with the mother and father to be. No there were no lavish baby showers are showing my ultrasound around. No “it’s a boy” status updates on social media. No lighters needed as this was not the time for a cigar to be passed out. I imagine a concealed pregnancy is like throwing yourself a party that no one attends as you are left to blow out your own candles. They say I was a stoic baby as I never cried. I figure in my head I had already taken the world’s best shot so why would I cry now. I can imagine me joking to the doctor “man I was about to turn a year old in there if you hadn’t got me out” and winking at my mom. It would be so “ME” of me.

When I was sick as a little kid

To keep me happy there’s no limit to the things you did

And all my childhood memories

Are full of all the sweet things you did for me

And even though I act crazy I gotta thank the lord that you made me

I wish I could take the pain away

If you can make it through the night there’s a brighter day

Everything will be alright if ya hold on

It’s a struggle everyday, gotta roll on

And there’s no way I can pay you back

But my plan is to show you that I understand you are appreciated

Lady don’t cha know we love ya? Sweet lady

And dear mama place no one above you, sweet lady

You are appreciated, don’t cha know we love ya?

 

Tupac was once asked why he rapped about violence and drugs. Tupac advised “everything in life is not beautiful, not all fun”. “There is lots of drugs in killing”. Tupac also wrote of less than reputable women and their behavior. In Dear Mama Tupac takes the listener on a moving journey from his childhood to the present day with moving lyrical imagery. He talks of his father dying and him not knowing how to feel. He speaks of his mother being addicted to crack but, still being his queen. Tupac also advises that putting money from the sale of drugs into his mother’s mailbox made his day. Tupac’s transparency allows all of us to look inside ourselves. After looking deeply I held a mirror to my face and asked where I would be if not for my Afeni Shakur.

 

The argument rages on in the lexicon that is national political party rhetoric. The argument continues in state/city government and among friends and associates in your neighborhood beauty/barber shop. What am I speaking of you ask? The topic of whether a mother has the right to abort her unborn child. The stance that a mother does have the right has come to be known as Pro Choice. This is not the point where I show you an elaborate diagram or years of statistical data. This is not the point where I tug at the emotional strings connected to your heart. I am the byproduct of an unplanned pregnancy. By all accounts the “mistake baby”. I love my mother dearly because she made a choice and she was committed to it %100. I also have seen a family member in a similar situation and I was the loudest voice saying “don’t keep the baby”. Thankfully that situation ended up well for my family member because she was committed and she had a strong support system. I hear Pro Choice and the opposition Pro Life and I can say I am neither. I am Pro Love.

 

In thinking about the choice that my mother made to have me, her pregnancy and how it has shaped me it made me think about the beginning. Contraception! Contraception is another word for birth control which is any means used to prevent pregnancy. The only sure way to avoid the conception of a child is not engaging in intercourse. I say that like its common sense. The thing about “common sense is it’s not that darn common. The failure rates of intrauterine contraception range from 0.2% to 0.8%. The failure rates of hormonal birth control such as the injection shot, pill, patch and contraceptive ring range from 6% to 9%. The barrier control methods such as the male condom, female condom and use of spermicide have a failure rate that ranges from 18% to 28%. In reading about birth control I found out that coitus interruptus has origins dating back to ancient Greece. I chuckle as It’s quite likely that Hercules and Achilles practiced coitus interruptus or by its secular name “the pull it method”. The pull out method also known as withdrawal has a failure rate of 27%.

And all this time I thought……