family

From Dusk till Dad

Posted on by billjohnson2014

I think the most magnificent creature that God created was the woman. She is beautiful and strong while also being loving, kind and submissive. She is simple in that her original purpose was to be the help mate to the man. She is complex as women are forever changing like the seasons. As the first day of fall starts….the countdown to winter has already begun.

Women grow up to be the mothers that will hold dear. I think motherhood is the most defining role in a child’s life. Mother’s usually deserve the credit whether they get it or not while also shouldering blame when it’s rarely their fault. Motherhood is not a job as much as it is a responsibility. You get paid for a job after work is completed. The job of motherhood is never done and you seldom if ever reap the fruit of your labor.

As I began to reflect on fatherhood it became clear that mothers are blessed with this hindsight…this protective nature that cultivates the bond they share with their children. This bond between mother and child starts when the child is unborn. In my opinion fatherhood is not as difficult in theory but, fatherhood does not come with the same road map so to speak. So in practice fatherhood is just as difficult as or more difficult than motherhood. In the way mothers have the defining role in children’s lives the gap left by an absent father is the hardest to fill.

You disagree? Think for a few moments on what generally makes a good mother. I’m sure most of us would say nurturing, insightful, warm, supportive and dependable. Most would admit those characteristics sound vague yet we know what they mean because they describe our mother. Think a few moments on what generally makes a good dad. Do I hear crickets? And that’s totally ok. I would say by in large people either don’t know what makes a good dad or they have 100 different characteristics which still proves my point. This blog was not written so we can create a fatherhood hall of fame. As the writer full well realizes poor fathers have attributed to the misconceptions of fatherhood. This blog was intended to start the conversation of where we are and how we can get back.

My life and the lives of many men have been directly affected by our fathers not having adequate role models. Along with all the things that men miss by not having a father they miss seeing how fathers well…father. My father has told me in serious conversations and joking that he did not have a clue what he was doing the first few years. My dad says “I had a mom so her protective instinct rubbed off on me. So I just tried to love and protect you all the best I could. I was just learning the ends and outs of parenting…of being a dad as I went”. According to the 2011 Census 24 million children (1 and 3) are growing up in homes without their biological fathers. This issue appears to be crossing socioeconomics lines and the generation gap which leads me to my next point.

My brother and law and my sister have been married for 6 years but, they have been together a total of 11 years. When they fight it looks like there playing and when there playing it looks like sibling’s ruff housing. They by far have the most successful marriage I have ever seen up close. I think there marriage sticks out to me even more because they started their relationship at 16. Their son who is 6 was talking to me…mind you they have an 11 year old and twins who are 3. So the 6 year old asks Uncle Kerry why aren’t you married. I replied where did that come from nephew? He said well you’re older than my daddy because he’s 27 and he’s married but, you’re not married. I replied “well that’s true”. I said your daddy was lucky to find a nice girl but, I’m trying to find a nice girl. He looked with this pondering expression for a few seconds and then smiled big saying “I don’t get it Uncle Kerry I still think you should be married”. I died laughing.

In speaking with my brother in law and other men you can tell their children and wives give them great joy, purpose and satisfaction. With that said speaking with these brothers I can see the constraints and also pressure that they are under at times. One of the guys told me “it all happens so fast”. One minute you’re dating and the next you’re the old married guy with two kids .I think and will always think a man walking away from his family is a cowardice act. As I get older I am able to reason and also accept a lot of decisions that men make from a place of understanding. People say be a man! Some day’s that’s easier said than done.  I think that’s one of the reasons me and my father are as close as we have ever been. He has grown tremendously as a father, I as a man and we all know the adage “time heals all”.

I was speaking with another guy “kids always want things” “women are never satisfied” “your pulled in a million directions” do you ever want it to stop? He smiled big and said “where is my wife” as he looked around. He said so much without saying anything at all.

One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the father prayed, Dear God, make me the kind of man my son needs me to be.

  • Anonymous

I went to sleep young but, I woke up old

Posted on by billjohnson2014

I was at a work training a few weeks back…yes a work training. The second speaker was a part of the staff for the areas Substance Abuse and Aging program. The woman read from a power point and I kind of half way followed along which is the norm for such a training. The woman would stop to take questions and make little funny antidotes here and there as I began to clock watch. It wasn’t until the woman advised that she was 80 years old did I sit up in my chair. I told myself surely this woman appearing no older than 65 could not be 80 years old but, it was true.

The woman continued advising that she had two children her son being around 60 and her daughter around 55. The woman advised that she was 45 years old when her alcohol abuse caught up with her. The woman specified that alcohol ended her marriage and almost ended her relationship with her children. The woman said that her children were adults and out of the house when she began drinking every day. The woman said she knew she had a problem when her children confronted. “The conversation changed me and I entered an inpatient treatment facility”. She continued advising that she has over 30 years of sobriety which she attributed to successfully attainting her master’s degree at age 50.

The next thing that the woman said left the biggest imprint on me. She advised that it was time to retire but, she didn’t want to because all of her friends where dead. The woman advised that when your 20 and 30 they make retirement sound like this promise land but, it’s not. The women thanked God that she was in relatively good health but, she advised that she had nothing to look forward to in retirement. She specified that her children where old and dealing with their own issues. She further specified that she is taken medication for the first time in her life and it “sucks”. The woman ended advising that as a single 80 year old woman it is hard because outside of work nobody needs her.

Listening to the women made me think about the image that I had about retirement. Did I think retirement was this awesome place like South Beach? As I pondered the unknown one thing that I did know was that I did not want to be old. Don’t get me wrong I welcomed the wisdom that came with age. I really would not be where I am without the going through life’s trials and tribulations and coming out on the other side having learned the lesson. With all that said a part of me has always looked at being old as dependent, weak or lacking. In my head as a child death was that place old people went and if I wanted to avoid pain, suffering and death I need not get old.

As I’ve gotten older and closer to my faith I understand dying is a certainty. The Christian faith teaches you that if you are saved and believe in Jesus you will go to heaven and that was more than enough for me. To be honest I never gave much thought to dying as I was happy being 10, 11, 15 and so on. Something in me could not imagine me as 25 let alone 65. Every year I have a birthday it’s kind of bittersweet.

I’m not sure how it was passed to me but, since I became an adult “30” has been The Age. The age 30 signaled the end of any remaining immaturity. The time when one comes to grips with what is a dream? What is real? What is going to pay the bills? This is the reunion period in life where you consciously or subconsciously measure the new you vs the old you. At the same time you’re measuring yourself against your classmates and you’re either satisfied or disappointed. Michael Jordan said something during his hall of fame speech “getting inducted is bittersweet because the athlete in me wants to come back and play or at least make you all think I can”.

I thought so much about my feelings about aging that I wanted to see if my feelings where mine alone. My blue collar ultra-competitive never quit attitude was honed on the pavement outside my house against my dad. It would only make since to see if he had similar thoughts about aging right?

I barely got the first question out when Pop replied “Physically getting old for me is not fun at all because I’m very athletic.  The older you get the more injuries surface and things just seem to snowball”. My father has had two surgeries’ on his knees in the last several months. My father recalled “I can remember talking to my mom some years back and I told her there are two things I hate and one of them I’ve already been. The first is a child and the second is old. In both age groups I feel one cannot be all they can be as they are hindered by age or their physical/mental ability level. Speaking as a man it messes with your mind. At 25 your wishing somebody tries to mess with you but, at 50 your praying to God nobody tries. It’s a hard thing as a man dealing with old age and injuries to question whether you can defend yourself”.

My father makes his living in the service industry and he has done so for the past 14 years. He is in the kind of field that lends its self to a very long shelf life. I asked him if he could see himself working 20 more years to which he replied “I would say 10”. “There are just so many factors that go into that namely my eyes and knees”. My dad would later advise that he was currently already wearing the bifocals of contacts.

The conversation continued as I asked Pop how big would “cost of living” factor into his retirement. “I see a lot of people in my generation buying houses later and or supporting their children/grandchildren. Those types of lifestyles dictate individuals having to work into their seventies. He continued some even retire but, have to go back to work for fear of out living there money”. My father implored me saying the keyword for me and my generation is “preparedness”.

As the conversation started to wine down I asked Pop did he feel like he would become increasingly unhappy dealing with aging. He replied “I’ve said a lot of things but I don’t want you to think I’m down on aging”. “Sure the man loses some of his zeal for intimacy as yes you go through some personality changes but, I like who I’ve become”. I asked Pop to explain he replied “I had to be the lion when you kids where young, I had to protect my family. Now you guys are grown and can protect yourselves so now I’m something you pet at the zoo. I thank God that I have attained wisdom and he has put me in positions where I can help a lot of people. If I would have died young I would not have understood my mistakes and Gods plan for each of us”.

Amber, the rose that tried to grow from concrete……

Posted on by billjohnson2014

“Getting engaged is like getting…it’s the first hurdle of the roller-coaster and you hear the click.. those loud sounds. This really violent metal chunk o-chunk o-chunking…. (You’re asking yourself) what’s going on here, you know. Boy this thing really goes high (in reference to the roller-coaster) and then you go over the top. The wedding is at the top…you go over the top that’s the wedding and then you’re just screaming”.

“Marriage is like any growth you can’t be ready for it because its growth it’s going to be new. You’re going to have a new life; you’re going to be a new person”. – Jerry Seinfeld

Am I the only one that receives wedding invitations having no idea the two parties were even dating? I ask myself “Kerry where have you been”. To my credit I’m not one for competing or much less keeping an eye on the Jones’s. On a larger scale I am that friend that has no idea what Kylie Jenner wore to the Grammy’s or who Drake is dating. I’m getting off topic. I don’t spend a lot of time on social media but, when I’m on there I am surprised by what I see. What am I seeing? I see a lot of proposals, bridal showers and weddings.

I’m sure there are many reasons to why those things jump out to me. The first I would say centers on age. I’m going strictly off perception but, I would guess individuals 18-28 get married more than any other age group. I would say the second reason surrounds my use of social media. For people like me that limit their social media use we have to realize the world never stops. If you don’t track someone for a year or two you will surely be surprised with the happenings in his/her life. The last surrounds my personal association with weddings. I have been a groomsman in two weddings in the last 18 months and have seen my sister, brother and father married in that span.

To say the least I was very intrigued as to what the numbers showed in relation to couples getting married in my age range. Is the percentage higher now than in years past? Is the number lower? How are those numbers reflected in the divorce rate? Lastly where does my ethnicity factor into the equation?

Have you ever performed research on marriage? The first information that jumps out at you and repeats in various publications is the rise in median marital age. The average age for women is 25.8 and 28.3 for men. The age group that has suffered the greatest decline in marriages is you guessed it 18-28. 20 % of individuals in that age range are married compared to 60% of that same age group 40 years ago according to the 2010 Census. According to the CDC the decline is related to an increase in cohabitation and single parenthood.

The Pew Research Center goes against the grain as it advises that public perception is mixed on the institution of marriage. Meaning as a nation we do not value the institution as in years past so thus the decline. The aforementioned premise was not supported in the various studies I observed but, I actually believe that the study does have some merit. The majority of the studies concluded that minorities who as we have learned marry less than whites still value the institution of marriage. The previous statement is not actually supported when it comes time to say “I do”. As of 2010 55% of black adults had ever been married compared with 64% of Hispanics and 76% of Whites.  According to the Census currently 45% of African American households contain a married couple. Blacks are significantly more likely than any other race to never marry, cohabit and bear children out of wedlock according to the Census. The national illegitimacy rate (children born out of wedlock) is 33% but, for blacks that number is more like 70%. Educational attainment or lack thereof supports the aforementioned premise more than most give credence.

A study called “Women’s Education and Their Likelihood of Marriage” performed by professor Paula England expounded on the previous topic. The study found that 75% of college educated women are married, compared to 70% of those who attend some college and 60% with only high school education. According to (blg.com) college graduates are 20% to 30% less likely to divorce than non-graduates which is a good segue to divorce rates. Men 20 to 24 divorce at a rate of 38.8% percent which is higher than any other age range. Women share the same age ranges but, there clip is 36.6%. The website divorcesaloon.com has the divorce rate for blacks currently at 70%.

Looking over all the facts and figures from the CDC, Census and countless studies I was not satisfied. I settled myself as the disintegration of the black family started long ago and as blacks we perpetuate that cycle in various ways. I did find solace in information received on discoverthenetworks.org that gave me hope. Black two parent families where both parties work full time have a mere 2% poverty rate which leads me to my conclusion. We have to breakdown why blacks want to get married but, don’t and also why we divorce higher than any other race. I’m not sure how to correct the problem but, I know it first starts with ME. I went to college and I’m waiting to get married. I need to choose a partner that helps support our family spiritually and financially as we shape and nurture our child(s) views. I didn’t see any marriages up close as a kid and to think my son could see 4/5 just with his dad, aunts, uncle and grandfather. I think that’s a step in the right direction.

I feel like I’m a planet and the other woman are kind of moving through this solar system with me. And marriage is like you decide to jump off of your planet and cross to another planet. But you can only do it when one planet passes real close and you look and say “hey I think I can jump across”.

– Jerry Seinfeld

Poetic Justice

Posted on by billjohnson2014

Have you ever had the feeling in your head that you were so close to dating but, in actuality you were a million miles away? It kind of reminds me of Superman rescuing Lois Lane just when it appeared that injury or death was a near certainty. As a kid you would really believe that Lois Lane was going to be hurt. In the same way you believed that the bad guy would have gotten away if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their dog.  Is this a paradox?

In thinking about what I know about relationships I was reminded of this non-traditional love story called Love Jones. The movie starring Nia Long (Nina) and Larenz Tate (Darius) quickly jumps into this mutual attraction that the two share.

The character Nina is just getting out of a relationship while Darius is attempting to see if Nina was just “one” or “the one”. From there the two embark on this on again off again, I love you/I hate you, why are we moving so fast roller coaster ride. As the film progresses the two split in dramatic fashion with Nina’s character taking a job in another city. Apart the two find great success in their careers of choice but, the viewer can easily see a void in each party’s life. Fate brings the lovers back to the poetry lounge where they met and Nina performs a poem as Darius did for her years earlier. Nina leaves as Darius appears absent but, as she catches a cab in the pouring rain he appears. The movie does not end with a wedding or a walk in the sunset. The movie ends with a question and a decision to be made. I love it because relationships begin with a commitment and they last by staying true to that commitment. The viewer has no idea how the story will end but, the possibilities are endless. I think that’s a reason why I love the “thought” of dating.

I had a friend of mine ask me why I was still single. She quickly interrupted advising “hey what happened on your last few dates”? I responded with my customary “they were ok”. She said let me guess you had a “moment of clarity”? I keep talking attempting to explain but, she stopped me. Kerry a moment of clarity is when a man has sex with a woman and realizes “I’m just not that in to you”. I laughed as surely I was past this juvenile pursuit but, I did reflect on what she said later. Am I ready to settle down? What am I looking for? Had I failed to meet my Nina in the rain?

I was having a conversation with an associate who was having some issues dating. In speaking with her for about 30 minutes I was easily able to asset her dating profile. I said you need to address the issues in your past so you can fully grow and heal. I said you also need to adjust not lower but, adjust your dating expectations. What do you need, not what do you want in a mate? I told her that it appeared to me that she needed someone that valued her needs and always had her back. She paused for a moment and said “yes, that’s really all I need”. Lastly I advised that meeting males that were comfortable just being friends would be beneficial for her. I advised “the best advice that I have ever received has been from people that did not want a thing from me”. The clarity and assuredness that I spoke with made me think more about myself.

As I’ve gotten older I wonder is it odd that I’ve only had two serious relationships. One could point to many factors and some would be true and some not. To be short I’ve not really wanted a girlfriend. So in a way being single is kind of what I have always done. I do get the questions asking did I get hurt when I did fall in love and did it ruin “relationships” for me as I smile. Of course the end of relationships hurt but, actually it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. The end of the relationship allowed me to grow so much as a man and set the course for me to grow professionally and become a better writer. So thinking on it I’m actually more open to a relationship than ever. I just think sharing your life with someone is the most precious gift you can give. I haven’t met her yet but, I imagine when I do hear her name I’ll know because it will sound like love.

Loving one’s self is the beginning of a lifelong romance

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Great Expectations

Aside | Posted on by billjohnson2014

And I’m so evolved I’m so involved

I’m showing growth, I’m so in charge

I’m C.E.O and yea going god

I’m so indebted, I should have been deaded

Selling blow in the park, this I know in my heart

Now I’m so enlighten I might glow in the dark

Shawn Corey Carter  known more by his stage Jay-Z included those lines in a song entitled “Kingdom Come” for the album Kingdom Come. The album was the ninth studio album for Jay-Z and considered a commercial success selling 680,000 copies in the first week. It was unexpected because Jay-Z advised that his 2003 album “The Black Album” would be his last.

The album but, the song specifically records the change that Jay-Z had seen in him. In reflecting Jay-Z advises that now he is accountable to himself and others. He advises that he has evolved and he is excited about his growth from a drug dealer to CEO. Jay-Z is a thinking man now that uses his life lessons to properly dictate his path. He feels humble and thankful that God saved him because he surely would have perished without him.

I was having the kind of conversation that I love with a colleague as it touched on several subjects all of which were diverse yet equally interesting. The topic of dating arose and I responded to how men and woman look at dating differently. I advised that “women marry/date men hoping they will change and men marry/date women hoping they will remain the same”. My colleague advised that she agreed with the point but, made the assertion that women prefer not to use the term “change”. My colleague advised that women used the term “evolve” because change comes with negative coronations.

My colleague finished her retort advising that she did not know why change had developed a negative connation. This made me think and I began to center on several points and examples. I remembered looking at this study that diagrammed the feelings on change within an office. The change could be big or small. It characterized people as resistant, openly resistant, excited/willing and passive. The passive people made up the largest chuck. To quote Marshawn Lynch these people were going along with the change “so they wouldn’t be fired”. The smallest percentage were the “excited/willing made up largely of the “let’s save the world by going green types”. The openly resistant were the most likely to quit but, also cause the largest commotion attempting to get people to see their view point. The resistant would be resistant long enough before they too would join the passive or excited/willing category. If there is/was a change at your job I want you to try to put people in these categories.

One of the reasons people hate change is it goes against the status quo. People have an expectation that has been set from television, there upbringing or in dating from the first date. If anything happens that contradicts or altogether does not meet that expectation it is considered a disaster. Frank Lucas (former drug dealer) advises in short that consistently meeting expectation is how he keeps his cliental happy and thriving. What happens when the expectations are unwarranted? Have you ever seen the woman that has been dating “the guy” react when her friend gets proposed too? Maybe you were the person in your family that everyone expected to have “this” job or drive “that” car. Have you ever done something just to meet an expectation? Why?

The difference between expectations and change are people largely hate change whereas people largely tolerate expectations. I heard an old married woman tell a female newlywed to “never start something that she did not want to finish”. The old woman said in the beginning she started serving her husband his dinner every night and washing all the dishes. The old women advised the young woman “I haven’t had a night off in 40 years”. The tricky things with expectations are some are legitimate. So when you make the statement “I will lower my expectations” so I want be disappointed it appears that you want try your best. Or it appears that you’re not holding the person, item, entity to a standard they/it should live up to.

I think the only time people are willing to accept change is when they are at the complete bottom and there is nowhere else to go. At that point there expectation, there’s that word…there expectation is wherever we go from her has to be up. If someone in heaven mentions change there is uproar. If someone in hell mentions change I guarantee you everyone will have their shoes on before the pronunciation of the “e” in change is complete. On January 20, 2009 Barack H. Obama was inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States. I doubt seriously if the first African American President would have been elected if he had attempted to follow Bill Clinton. Change is sometimes slow, tedious and frustrating but, we can’t always control change just how we respond to it.

It’s been to hard living, but I’m afraid to die

‘Cause I don’t know what’s up there, beyond the sky

It’s been a long, a long time coming

But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

–          Sam Cooke

Can a man cry?

Posted on by billjohnson2014

I am a part of the legacy that is “boys don’t cry”. I along with the generations before me received all the usual connation’s associated with women and homosexuals if a tear was shed. The kind of connation’s that if shared in public nowadays by an entertainer or athlete would surely be followed by a public apology. Boys are cultured consciously and sub-consciously very early that crying is a sign of weakness.

The writer of the poem Antwone Fisher had quite the journey that he detailed in his memoir Finding Fish which later became the movie Antwone Fisher. In the poem we see a man child who is attempting to get out of the darkness and move into the light. The poem makes the reader want to understand the pain that fisher feels. Here he is being a “good boy” but, there is no one there to love him or cultivate his growth. Who will cry for me? Who will be my voice? I cry myself to sleep at night and no one cares. I’ve been through the storm and the rain and all I want is a smiling face to pass me an umbrella and wipe my tears away.

I have a really easy exercise for women; gather in a room a group of 15-20 varying in age, social class ,background and ethnicity. I want the question of what do you want from a man/from your man to be asked. I guarantee answers such as more loving, compassionate, sympathetic; in touch with his feelings, better communicator and sensitive will come up as answers. I want you to wait several minutes and ask the same group what they think when a man is labeled as “sensitive”, “in touch with his feelings”, “emotional”. The answers are usually “soft”, “weak”, “gay” and several others. For those of you that just had a “aha” moment let us pause.

Men are socialized very young by their parents, relatives, friends, television and pop culture on what it is to be manly. Growing up I played sports and my mother was my biggest cheerleader and my biggest critic. I chuckle as I advise that facing my mom after a bad game was like Tony Romo facing the media after a crucial turnover. I was speaking to a long time little league coach recently who advised that he decided to give up coaching. When asked “why” the coach said he knew it was time when his player about broke his ankle stealing a base but, was heckled “get up, be a man” when he remained on the sand. In my wisdom I asked why the fan wasn’t thrown out to which the coach replied “the fan was the young man’s mother”.

We force males to shut down there emotional side in a way that stunts there growth forever. Males cannot relate to females in some ways because her age in conveying feelings and emotions is 30 but, his is 12. If we break down the statement “don’t cry, be a man” what do we get? Don’t cry is saying your feelings are not justified so in a sense you should not have them. I am not validating you by advising you not to cry. The statement “be a man” opens up a caveat of destruction. You say “caveat of destruction” sounds a little exaggerated and I say no. What that statement says is you’re not allowed to fully develop because you need to be something that you’re not TODAY. Young boys are trying to be something that half of men today who are 25-50 are still trying to figure out. For those young men they are compiling every image some positive and some negative of what a man is.

It was about two years ago watching a YouTube clip of rapper Wale that I was able to come to grips with a part of me. Wale advised that it was taboo in hip-hop to be considered “emotional”. Wale advised that being emotional was seen as only a female trait. Wale continued to speak advising that he had come to grips that he was/is an emotional person. Wale advised that his emotion made him who he is today and has allowed his fans to connect with him. In hearing Wale’s words I had a “aha” moment of my own as I had been writing about two years at that time. With the help of God I am able to construct thought provoking messages that attempt to enlighten and inspire because of my emotions. I don’t love easily but, the things that I care about are on my heart daily. This love and raw passion allows me to create but, also fuels sides of me that if not controlled can be destructive. I believe the knowing is half the battle.

The world is tuff enough on men so I’m not asking for boys to hold hands and sing “Kumbaye” but, if they could just be boys as girls are allowed to be girls.

And all this time I thought…..

Posted on by billjohnson2014

I think I can speak a little bit about unplanned pregnancy as I am the byproduct. My mother had my sibling 14 months my senior very young. To hear my mother tell it the consensus after my sibling arrived was “she’s young and made a mistake but, it want happen again”. Imagine the worlds surprise and disdain as virtually no one even knew I existed until they saw me out of the womb. No there were no Lamaze classes with the mother and father to be. No there were no lavish baby showers are showing my ultrasound around. No “it’s a boy” status updates on social media. No lighters needed as this was not the time for a cigar to be passed out. I imagine a concealed pregnancy is like throwing yourself a party that no one attends as you are left to blow out your own candles. They say I was a stoic baby as I never cried. I figure in my head I had already taken the world’s best shot so why would I cry now. I can imagine me joking to the doctor “man I was about to turn a year old in there if you hadn’t got me out” and winking at my mom. It would be so “ME” of me.

When I was sick as a little kid

To keep me happy there’s no limit to the things you did

And all my childhood memories

Are full of all the sweet things you did for me

And even though I act crazy I gotta thank the lord that you made me

I wish I could take the pain away

If you can make it through the night there’s a brighter day

Everything will be alright if ya hold on

It’s a struggle everyday, gotta roll on

And there’s no way I can pay you back

But my plan is to show you that I understand you are appreciated

Lady don’t cha know we love ya? Sweet lady

And dear mama place no one above you, sweet lady

You are appreciated, don’t cha know we love ya?

 

Tupac was once asked why he rapped about violence and drugs. Tupac advised “everything in life is not beautiful, not all fun”. “There is lots of drugs in killing”. Tupac also wrote of less than reputable women and their behavior. In Dear Mama Tupac takes the listener on a moving journey from his childhood to the present day with moving lyrical imagery. He talks of his father dying and him not knowing how to feel. He speaks of his mother being addicted to crack but, still being his queen. Tupac also advises that putting money from the sale of drugs into his mother’s mailbox made his day. Tupac’s transparency allows all of us to look inside ourselves. After looking deeply I held a mirror to my face and asked where I would be if not for my Afeni Shakur.

 

The argument rages on in the lexicon that is national political party rhetoric. The argument continues in state/city government and among friends and associates in your neighborhood beauty/barber shop. What am I speaking of you ask? The topic of whether a mother has the right to abort her unborn child. The stance that a mother does have the right has come to be known as Pro Choice. This is not the point where I show you an elaborate diagram or years of statistical data. This is not the point where I tug at the emotional strings connected to your heart. I am the byproduct of an unplanned pregnancy. By all accounts the “mistake baby”. I love my mother dearly because she made a choice and she was committed to it %100. I also have seen a family member in a similar situation and I was the loudest voice saying “don’t keep the baby”. Thankfully that situation ended up well for my family member because she was committed and she had a strong support system. I hear Pro Choice and the opposition Pro Life and I can say I am neither. I am Pro Love.

 

In thinking about the choice that my mother made to have me, her pregnancy and how it has shaped me it made me think about the beginning. Contraception! Contraception is another word for birth control which is any means used to prevent pregnancy. The only sure way to avoid the conception of a child is not engaging in intercourse. I say that like its common sense. The thing about “common sense is it’s not that darn common. The failure rates of intrauterine contraception range from 0.2% to 0.8%. The failure rates of hormonal birth control such as the injection shot, pill, patch and contraceptive ring range from 6% to 9%. The barrier control methods such as the male condom, female condom and use of spermicide have a failure rate that ranges from 18% to 28%. In reading about birth control I found out that coitus interruptus has origins dating back to ancient Greece. I chuckle as It’s quite likely that Hercules and Achilles practiced coitus interruptus or by its secular name “the pull it method”. The pull out method also known as withdrawal has a failure rate of 27%.

And all this time I thought……